After thoroughly embarrassing myself and my husband in my last post (*Update 5/5/08 - I deleted that post after too many of my husband’s coworkers mentioning to him that I seemed like a crazy woman*), I swore I would never post emotionally again.
Yet, here I am. An emotional poster and an emotional eater. Awesome.
I’ve been so down for the last couple of days. Understandably people feel down when they are arguing with someone they love and who’s opinion they value so much. But it’s more than that. It’s a funk. A creepy, “Mary your entire being sux” funk. I’ll spare you the misery of my thought life. I let Dustin in on it and because Dustin’s name is not K-fed and I don’t have a majillion dollars, it isn’t an actual suicide watch. If it weren’t for those two factors, I swore he was going to call a mental hospital and maybe even Dr. Phill for back up!
I feel so awful about my behavior the last few days. I was fine when I thought it was all “the man’s” fault. But that happiness ended with my aha! moment. While shopping at the stay at home mom’s paradise Target this morning, I had this little conversation with myself:
Smrt Mary: He’s totally lost it.
Me: I know right?! Things have been going so great and then it’s like BAM! “Mary you’re just being emotional”.
Smrt Mary: You know what? This happens every time your pregnant.
Me: You’re right! The beginning of every pregnancy and every second trimester we have huge blow outs where he can’t see that every cotton pickin’ thing is wrong with him!
Smrt Mary: For real
(Voice in head Dustin): Pregnancy is really hard on me. You get super emotional and don’t see it.
Me:Shut up!
Smrt Mary: What?
Me: Oh not you, the other voices in my head
Smrt Mary: You really are crazy
Me: What if the fight really was my fault? What if the things that bother me are real, but I freaked out about them way to easily?
Smrt Mary: No!…..really? But we are Smrt…I mean smart. Infallible. Mature. Clear headed. Possibly perfect. Isn’t he the faulty one?
Me: Yes, but I think I am too. I think this does have a lot to do with my hormones and I think a lot of what I thought was so clearly his fault might not be.
This is where the condemnation starts creeping in. I start beating myself up and feeling so guilty. The depths of my thinking become really irrational and totally unrealistic. This is one of the tasty lies I’ve been believing that got Dustin concerned
(Don’t worry, this is an actual conversation….not a me vs. me or me vs. fairyhairdresser again)
Me: I just don’t see why you need me anymore. I suck as a wife, I tear you down and criticize you as a friend and I’m no fun to live with.
Dustin: No you don’t! I need you! I love you! Those are lies you are believing.
Me: No they’re not. I used to think that I was doing a great job. That I wasn’t nagging, I was giving you grace, I was trying to change the things that I know need changing. Now I realize that I was lying to myself. I thought things were better when they weren’t. I’m so dumb I don’t even know when I’m being good and when I’m being bad.
Yeah…..I was feeling pretty low. Am feeling low.
I know the thoughts I’ve been having aren’t truth. Somewhere in me, I just know it. I also know Satan would love nothing more than to take the healing that happened between Dustin and I this morning and cripple it because I’m incapacitated by my own condemnation. ( I’m starting to sound like the channel with the big gold throne. ) But seriously, I mean it. I do believe in God and I do believe in Satan. I’m having such a hard time typing this because I know the American culture is groaning right now and moving on to another less “spiritual” blog. But this is my blog and this is what I think and this is what gives me hope. Right now my hope is in knowing that the lies I’m believing are not the things that God actually thinks about me.
So for my own sake and to speak truth, this is what God says about hormonal Mary Boston: And she puts down the water pistol and takes a bubble bath.
12 Comments
I’m glad to hear that you’re feeling a little better now baby. I forgive you and I love you. Aww virtual makeup
Maybe our virtual making up will be more exciting than our real making up. It’s so not fair that we don’t have the makeup…um, you know.
I can’t believe we have three kids and I’m blushing to talk about makeup sex
Mary, I think these two most recent posts have been very courageous. Thank you for sharing.
Marriage is not an easy job–especially when you’ve been together for a while and the bloom is off the rose, so to speak. Add into that children, and things can very easily blow up very quickly.
I speak from my own experience.
The Mistah and I are hitting Year 9 together, have an active, opinionated 2-year-old and a baby girl on the way. Hormones and exhaustion and stress can very easily give way to bad communication. I know I’ve failed more than once (and continue to).
Don’t hang all the burden on yourself, feel what you feel and allow yourself to feel it wholly–whether or not you sense it is reasonable. Me? I invest $20/week on a nice 50 minute session with my therapist. I find it greatly helps me sort out the real from the pregnant from the tired mommy.
Thanks again for sharing Mary. Have some make-up ice cream!
My husband and I are starting marriage counseling tomorrow because we just need some outside extra help and I’m hoping it will provide us with some tools to incorporate into our marriage. It’s hard work, hang in there!!!!!
Mary God loves you and you are so right. Satan is just trying to mess it up for you. You are a brave and wonderful person for the last 2 posts. You and Dustin will make it. God loves you both and he always will.
I actually didn’t think your last post really painted your husband in a bad light; you were just being honest about how you were feeling at that moment. You let us know that you were writing out of frustration, so I took that into account.
You are very right…Satan is always there looming, waiting for us to have a vulnerable moment. Those of us that have God on our side are exactly who Satan wants most, so of course you feel him getting to you at times…but you’re resisting, and I love to hear that. You and Dustin will be fine. You’ve made it through so much, and you’re both still so forgiving; it’s awesome,and I hope that one day you can both just be happy in love.
I am not skipping to another blog! Satan is real and he wants us to self loathe even if that means tearing down the ones we love the most, he/it doesn’t care he/it just wants us to be miserable.
You both are working so hard and to be honest reading your entries about your marriage have made me more comfortable to the fact that my husband and I might need counseling as well, he is returning from Iraq in 10 days and we both have been working on not expecting anything out of each other. We will see how things go but I know I won’t be afraid to ask to for help, because brave couples like you lay it all out there and tell it is like it is. Thank you.
Pregnancy and marital bliss do not always go hand in hand. I recall a certain disagreement (as does my husband) in which I was ridiculously upset over something inconsequential and I didn’t think he was sufficiently upset by it. So instead of realizing the errors of my ways, I instead decided to open the door to the room he was in, yell “I’m still mad at you!”-just to remind him- then slammed the door. Pregnant women= crazy.
I agree with the others that you are very brave to put your raw and open self out here… it is the opening and saying and especially the writing that get our minds hooked into some solutions to our hurt or anger or pain. And this blog vehicle is very important and almost miraculous sometimes… because as I’ve heard it many times, “Solitude is the playground of Satan…” So say it. Scream it. Relive it. Hand it over to someone else. And FORGIVE it.
Your courage and honesty with all of us is a way to see into yourself.
Keep writing!
Sharon - Pinks & Blues
Mary, I enjoyed reading this post. As you know I am working at a pysch hospital. I hear patients who have PMI everyday tell me about the voices. (Obviously different voices than you heard at Target haha!) The sad thing is, people just dont take the time to listen to the pts so they can work thru the rationalization process. A patient had a gret insight the other day: “If Jesus Christ were to return to earth today, they would probably lock Him up in a place like Eastern State Hospital!”
I was glad to see all of the truth that you came up with… you go girl!! You at least have 3 pregnancies to blame bad behavior on, I on the other hand, just have myself to kick in the pants! Thank God HE forgives us, or I’d be in big trouble….
Love you!
Well, you have to know that in light of my recent meltdown, I know exactly how you probably feel… the confusion part, fighting conversations with yourself, self-condemnation, etc.
And even though I know how it goes, I don’t know what to tell you, because I haven’t even solved my own issues yet. You seem to have a leg up on me with relying on God to help you. I forget He’s there for me in my mental crisis’.